And so I took an Ativan ...

Updated: Mar 4, 2021

This week was going to be focused on starting our "Little Barn Free Library" (a Little Free Library that looks like our barn), as well as planting tomato seedlings. It didn't quite work out that way.

How it did work out was with me throwing, no, hurtling, a box of shells (macaroni and cheese) on the kitchen floor, screaming, and standing shaking, grinding my jaw, crying, and thinking that stabbing my hand with a kitchen knife would feel better than what I was feeling inside. "Why is mommy laughing"? asked my son, having never witnessed sobbing and mistaking it for his mother laughing.

This was the low point of the year - definitely of 2021, but I am thinking of "year" in terms of when Covid started back in March 2020 until now. Otherwise, with two toddlers, no steady employment, an ever-shrinking bank account, and all the restrictions on current life, we have done pretty well considering. This week, however was a breaking point.

What I realize more and more is not only that the postpartum period can last YEARS after a baby is born, not to mention two babies, 21 months apart, but also that all the extra anxiety, fear, and loneliness of this global pandemic has been HARD.

What I am exceptionally (even more now if possible), thankful for is that during my well, let's call it a "mini-breakdown", my husband was able to pick up the phone and 30 minutes later, I got a call from an AMAZING postpartum family physician therapist who assessed and treated me right then over the phone FOR FREE. This is part of the incredible service provided by the Women's Mental Health Clinic. I have been very fortunate to have sessions with the same therapist since before my daughter was born 16 months ago. Therefore, she also knows my history of pregnancy and postpartum anxiety, as well as our family context (moving countries, unemployment, two babies, covid anxiety etc.). Officially she diagnosed our entire family with "cabin fever" with a capital "C", and me with rage caused by hormones and isolation (not to mention lack of sle